I rarely have a birthday without melancholy, but this year felt different. 30 holds a lot of societal significance, especially for women. It is often veiled in fearful, negative energy about the "end of your youth" and, somehow, subsequently, the end of your life. Yet, every single person I've spoken to about this new decade says it only gets better from here - life blooms even more in this decade. Perhaps my usual birthday blues were replaced by something else this year - hope. 

 

This birthday didn't signify "death to my 20s" or a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon. My 20s are not something I mourn, nor were they a decade when I simply developed myself into who I am to be in this new age. No, my 20s were gritty and raw and beautiful. Each decade of my life has been pivotal in my becoming. Every laugh, scar, mistake, and tear, an ingredient for the potion of my soul - a recipe for my alchemy. 

 

During my birthday, I took time to reflect on the decades, and I found so much life. 

 

0-10 - a happy baby, a bubbly child, a confident little girl. This decade contains a childhood I have a hard time recalling now. Scientifically, grief and trauma can alter the mind's ability to hold memories. A lot of "little Hannah" slipped away after I lost Zach. The girl from this decade fell into the BZD (Before Zach Died) period of my life, but I remember her with so much love and care.

 

10-20 - a "strong" girl, a sensitive soul, a talented performer, a girl who fit everywhere and nowhere all at once - hopeless and hopeful. These transformative years were nearly impossible to capture in words. This time of profound loss and transformation set the foundation for the woman to come. 

 

20-30 - a beautiful, wreckless, terrified, powerful mess. This was a decade of change, nearly nothing constant. Chasing, yearning, achieving, growing, and trying to figure out what life can hold for me - even more, what can bring me joy and purpose. My 20s were a painful construction of who I am meant to be. 

 

30 - the unknown. I hope 30 is where I shed any expectations of what life "should" be and embrace it for the beautiful, uncertain journey it is. I hope 30-year-old me uses this as a turning point where I learn that life isn't just planning and executing goals; it is the living itself. The unplanned nights with friends, the kind interactions with strangers, the happy accidents born out of presumed missed opportunities. 30 is where I stand in my power and my softness, where I know who I am, where I listen to and lead myself. 

 

So, what did I learn in these 30 years of life? (In no particular order)

 

1. Grief alters everything. Loss leaves an indelible mark on your life, framing everything that came before and everything that comes after. You can heal the open, raw wound, but the aching scar forever remains. 

2. You didn't deserve what happened to you, but you are responsible for healing from it and how others are affected when you choose not to. Life is cruel and painful. We don't deserve the hurt, but we have the agency to take control of the healing. Therapy and introspection are life-changing gifts. 

3. People will leave, and that's okay. If you spend your entire life fearing that people will leave you, you will continually cling to the wrong people. Let them go, and create room for those who want to be there. 

4. Not everyone will leave. You are not destined to live this life alone. You are worthy of love. People will choose you and continue to choose you even when it's hard. 

5. Life is most beautiful when it is shared with others. You can try to do it on your own and face everything yourself, but you don't have to. Community makes life full, and relationships soften the edges of adversity. 

6. God always has you, even when you can't feel him. You won't always get the answer for why hard and bad things happen, but you will never be alone in them. 

7. Kindness matters. Keep a soft heart in this harsh world, and you will see the blooms of life everywhere. 

8. You are not too much. Be loud, joyful, emotional, and direct. Not everyone will like you, but you don't like everyone either. Free yourself from the idea that you need to be less.

9. You can make new friends, family, and loves at any moment. Never close yourself off to the people who cross your path. Your circle will change and grow - let it. 

10. It doesn't matter what you do; it matters what you impact. No matter how you sustain yourself in this life, make sure your work and presence make the world (the part you have access to) better. 

11. You are not, and cannot be, responsible for how other people feel, and you certainly don't have the power to save anyone. Control is a myth. You do not hold the strings to life and cannot be responsible for how it unravels. 

12. Time for what you love isn't just going to appear; you have to make it yourself. Life is way more than working and achieving. Do things you enjoy! Do them well, do them poorly; it doesn't matter. Just do them often. 

13. Believe people. They will show you the truth of who they are, for better or worse. 

14. What you seek isn't in a place, a partner, or a job - It's in you. Stop seeking external validation for your life. Only you can make the space for what will fulfill you.

15. Have fun. Don't take life so seriously all the time. 

16. Treat yourself. Little moments of joy add up to big moments of life. Sure, be financially responsible, but if that coffee brings you a sense of light on a dark day, buy the damn coffee.

17. Everyone is living for the first time. Your parents, your boss, your friends, the person who was rude to you on the train. Take a breath and offer the grace that you need too. You won't always get this right, but we must extend kindness to humanity as we navigate this life. 

18. Not everyone deserves access to you. Block the number. Unfollow that person. Reclaim your time and your peace. Don't distance yourself with malice, but recognize your worth and claim that. 

19. You are capable of what you set your mind to. Manifest the life you want. Speak truth into the universe. Set your mind to worthy causes.  

20. It isn't too late. There is no deadline, no finish line. You have time, but don't wait for the perfect time. Do what you love and do it now, but don't rush your life along an arbitrary timeline. 

21. Travel. The world is too beautiful not to explore. There is so much more to see and so many people to encounter. Find new places and cultures to experience and meet them respectfully and reverently. 

22. Love recklessly. Say it too much and too often because, at our core, that is what we are made for. Give love freely and receive it back. 

23. Be weird and loud. You'd be surprised how many other weirdos are hiding in plain sight, just waiting for someone to signal to them that they are not alone. 

24. Cry when you feel like it. For me, it's nearly every day. Tears are cleansing. 

25. Remember. The people you've lost, the moments of shame, the bursts of joy. Remember it all. Don't hide from the ugly parts of yourself or this life, and don't rush through the moments of accomplishment and happiness. Slow down, and remember. 

26. Get loud and unruly about injustice. We have failed as humans when we stop caring for others. It is our duty to remind those who have already forgotten to care. 

27. You're not special. In the grand scheme of things, this life is but a moment. Don't take yourself too seriously. 

28. Expose yourself to more than what you know. Ignorance is only bliss for you. It hurts other people. Knowledge is power, but even more importantly, knowledge is empathy and love. 

29. Apologize when you are wrong or when you've hurt someone. We don't do that enough.

30. Stop living for others. This life is yours. No one is going to save you or show you the way. You must forge a piece of this cosmos out for yourself. 

 

Bonus

1. Call your grandma. Talk to her while you can, even when she repeats herself.

2. Buy plants. Propagate those. Buy more. Nurture them. Take random cuttings. Grow a jungle. Or find a hobby that you personally enjoy. 

3. Pet the dogs. Every single one you can.

 

In all these moments strung together, I've wound up here. Life is oddly beautiful, and I am so blessed to have lived so much of it. Maybe I'll live 30 more years, maybe I'll live 3. One thing is for damn sure, I'm going to live it all.